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Don’t Create Your Kids Through Labels
Featured Pathway: Parentology – Rediscovering the Nature of Parent-Child Relationships. Leaders: Gonan and Johan Premfors. Gonan discusses how a parent’s labeling of a child can create self fulfilling prophecies for that child.
I often hear parents say to their children, “She is lazy”, “he is stubborn”, “she is my difficult one”, “my son is stubborn”, “he is a bully” and the list goes on. In the Parentology model, we call this labeling. The result of labeling is that the child often grows into the label or tries to take on the opposite and goes to an extreme.
Let me give you an example.
I am sure you’ve all met a parent with a tiny little kid clinging to their leg. As you greeted the child, he or she was silent or avoided your eye contact. The parent then said to you, “Oh he is very shy” or “Oh she just does not like men”. And then the little kid buried their head into the back of their parent’s leg and refused to say anything.
Young children may go through a phase when they are a bit intimidated by adults, especially if they don’t know them. It is completely normal for them to take their time warming up to new people.
So when the parents says, “Oh he is very shy”, what do you think will be the result on the child? Even if they are not shy they will become shy. After all, the parent just defined the child as “shy”. As parents we are respected authorities with our children. If we label them they will take it very seriously. Later in life they might continue to be shy – or, they might go to an extreme and be totally wild and seeking attention. Casual comments can have a deep and lasting impact on kids. Think back to your childhood and the words from adults that stick with you.
A better response would be to say, “Oh she/he will say hello to you when he/she is ready”. Then child knows it is OK to take his/her time. They will know that the way they are feeling is fine.
This kind of response demonstrates a critical aspect of learning to accept our children. Our kids should know that wherever they are in their personal development is just fine. We all progress at different rates according to our own unique personalities. I challenge you to take a few minutes and make a list of the moments when you are labeling your children, a friend or a spouse. What is the impact? What is the cost to the person? What is the cost to your relationship with that person?
We are all so much more than just a bunch of labels. We are complex and multifaceted, like a diamond – with love, respect and acceptance each and every one of us has the potential to shine brilliantly.
– Gonan Premfors
